6/29/2006

JUST realized why I keep writing these journal entries for my blog. It’s because of the _____. See, if I write with the purpose of posting, I have to used my codes, thus concealing what I do not want to see myself.

ASSESSMENT. Withdrawal of support from two most important pillars of my sanity. This cold shoulder war with Kristina I can take. It’s not the first time she’s stopped speaking with me, or I with her. It seems I am relatively at peace. All I have to do is stop insulting people, and then no one will have a reason to fight with me. And then, after that, all I have to do is let beings be. It’s pretty had fighting insecurity. But the spirit guide is right, it’s not the world, it’s me. I’ll never have peace unless the peace comes from within. The environment does not matter.

17. bgo ka umalis ng skul mo, anu gnwa mo?

naghanap, nakakita, nalungkot, nangulila

(OBVIOUSLY, the above three sentences is blinkered.)

MONEY. The important thing is money. Once we have money everything’s gonna be all right. Just gotta stop… judging the world. Gotta stop this urge to vomit. As Dennis once said, a superiority complex only masks an inferiority complex. Constantly having to assert one’s value and power is a sure sign of doubting one’s value and power. Gotta keep sane. Gotta stop talking. Life is beautiful. Can’t kill myself. Can’t want that anymore. Must live.

SIGH. Isn’t that kind of base? Even your stupid thesis, in all its stupidity, had to accept that something about the world had to change. Only the method is different. Perhaps, you weren’t protecting Caty from Kristina. Perhaps, you were protecting yourself from Kristina.

WHERE did you come from?

PERHAPS, you hate yourself because you are not honest with yourself. Perhaps, all this insecurity stems from knowing what is right and not doing anything about it. You are afraid. Because, you say, you are weak. But aren’t you weak precisely because are afraid, and overcoming your fear will…

MAKE me strong? The last four paragraphs smells ever worse than the bullshit about letting beings be. We have our goal. It’s called the Kariton Cycle. We are at a point where achieving it looks doubtful. There’s a way to fix it. It’s called the Internet. It’s called next year. It’s called reading. It’s called work(ing).

IT’S called not letting beings be. It’s called fucking caring.

WELL… what do you want me to do? I’m just the fucking spirit guide here. (And did we just misspell "week"?)

(NO.) All right, all right, all right. All right. Not isolation but patience. Patience. Fuck. Will we even post this?

YOU need to think, and yet you repress what you want to think about.

THIS EB babe show on 7, so unfair.

HA! At isang future contestant ay si Kathy from Santa Rosa, Laguna.

MINODERNIZE.

ALL right. I guess our immediate tasks in building the basic blocks for the Kariton Cycle. Second order of the day is nailing ourselves to a job. The rest we should not let bother us.

ALL right. All right. That don’t look too bright, that future. But we will race towards it.

01. Your name plus "poo"
:: edgar allan poo

02. Two feelings at the moment?
:: dionysian waves and paranoia

03. What are you listening to right now?
:: if it makes you happy

04. A part of a song lyric that’s in your mind?
::

hush little baby
don’t say a word
and never mind the voices that you’ve heard
it’s the beast
under your bed
in your closet in your head

05. The highlight of your week?
:: more like an erasure

06. What are you craving to have right now?
:: fire and blood

07. Any unforgettable childhood memory
:: forget everything

08. A not-so-good childhood memory?
:: lahat

09. What are your nicknames?
:: mekeni

10. Your three plans for tomorrow?
:: watch jun cruz launch, write, think

11. Are you thinking of someone right now?
:: no

12. Are you single?
:: see profile

13.Say something to the person who posted this
:: hi madayag

14.What do you want?
:: sana october na, sana feb na, sana sana sana

15. Say anything you like to whoever is reading
your answers?
:: hi ams, kumusta na.  i’m think of buying that walden bello book

16. Are you feeling hungry?
:: nope

17. Who do you miss right now?
:: the hermit, lord voldemort, to a certain extent kristina, pero azar ako sa kanya kasi she looked away kanina sa fc

18. Last friend you talked to online?
:: wala

19. What do you like about the night?
:: oppurtunity to mas… to type

20. If you visited a farm, what would you like to
see?
:: corn

21. When you were a kid, what did you want to be
when you grew up?
:: scientist

22. Last gift?
:: the gift of death

23. Did you like it?
:: e, ‘yun ‘yun e

24. Do you play an instrument?
:: yes

25. What song did you last hear?
:: i was singing kanina

26. Person you hate most?
:: gotta stop hating

27. Who makes you laugh the most?
::wala

28. What makes you smile?
:: sunsets and stars and the thought that one day one day the 24 weeks will be up

29. Who do YOU have a crush on?
:: na ano?  tao?

Na-enjoy ko ito even if it contains the explicit bashing of Melanie Marquez. Hehe. Have fun.

MELANIE MARQUEZ BOO HOOS: Guess what? Melanie Marquez is seriously thinking of writing her own book! Jonathan Chua (who is a STAR contributor) has compiled some Melanisms for inclusion in that much-awaited book. Enjoy!

>>>I won’t stoop down to my level.

>>>Hello? Bulag ka ba? Bingi ka ba? Are you dep?

>>>’Yung STD, baka sa maruming toilet lang niya nakuha n’yan. (when commenting about the allegation of Kris Aquino that her brother Joey Marquez has STD)

>>>E ikaw ba naman durugin ang ari mo ‘Pag di ka naman nanutok ng baril?

>>>We are lovers, not fighters.

>>>My brother is not a girl, he’s a gentleman.

>>>That’s why I’m a success, it’s because I don’t middle in other people’s lives.

>>>Don’t judge my brother; he is not a book! (again, another counter to the Kris-Joey scandal)

>>>Kapatid ko pa rin s’ya. We are one and the same.

>>>I don’t eat meat. I’m not a carnival.

>>>Eto na po ang pinakamaligayang pasko at manigong bagong taon sa inyong lahat! (during her acceptance speech at a Metro Manila Film Festival awards night where her bioflick, directed by her late father Temyong Marquez, won an award)

>>>Sumasakit ang migraine ko!

>>>Ang tatay ko ang only living legend na buhay!

>>>Period na talaga, wala ng exclamation point! (when asked on S-Files if her present husband, Adam Lawyer, is her Mr. Right)

>>>(at a talkshow after her break-up with Derek Dee, Melanie was asked if she had some words for Derek’s mother [whom she partly blamed for the separation]). Oo nga, pero i-English-in ko para maintindihan niya. (she looked into the camera,a nd with the peremptoriness of royalty, said) And to you Mrs. Dee, I have two words for you. Ang labo mo!

>>>You can fool me once, you can even fool me twice, you can even fool me thrice. But you can never fool me four!

>>>(while waiting backstage during a noontime show, after watching Nikki Valdez do her dance number) Nikki, you’re so galing. You should go to the States. You will sell hotcakes.

Add-ons:

>>>When it comes to fashion, it is not your problem anymore, because it is our problem anymore! (her slogan-statement in her show, Ginang Fashionista at QTV Channel 11)

>>>(at the death of her friend Chat Silayan) I hope I can use my knowledge so that her family could be together in the celestial kingdom. From a text message: Top 8 Melanie Marquez Quotes >>>I couldn’t care a damn! >>>What’s your next class before this?

>>>Can you repeat that for the second time around once more from the top? (ulitin natin hanggang mamatay tayo!)

>>>Hello? (on the phone) My brother Joey is out of town. Would you like to wait?

>>>Don’t touch me not!

>>>Hello? (on the phone again) For a while, please hang yourself.

>>>You! You’re not a boy anymore! You’re a man anymore!

>>>Come, let’s join us!

Hmm…I wonder what she would come up with next time? We actually have our own: "What are friends are for."

Can you name 13 people you can think of right off
the top of your head? Anyone you’re thinking of,
in no order. Don’t read the questions underneath
until you write the names of all 13 people.
Absolutely NO cheating and switching positions on
the list, either! READY, START!
1. kr
2. rd
3. a
4. ju
5. rc
6. w
7. jo
8. t
9. jn
10. kk
11. c

12. april v.
13. april i.

THE QUESTIONS:
1. How did you meet 13:
** classmate

2. What would you do if you NEVER met 6:
** e, e di wala akong pakner ngayon sa future paper

3. What would you do if 2 and 9 dated:
** i would have to say bad move 9, bad move

4. Did you ever like 8:
** that’s comrade tantan, she’s a nice coteach

5. Would 1 and 5 be a good couple: nope, krishna would like someone taller

6. Is number 11 gay/lesbian:
** Nope, goth s’ya

7. Would you tell secrets to 4:
** he’s a nice guy, but not one for secrets

8. What is your first memory of 3:
** table tennis and ianne

9. Do you know any of 1’s family members:
** nope

10. What’s 10’s favorite color?
** sino ba ang ten?  a, si kikay… hmm… ewan.. yellow i guess, or pink.  she’s girl.  (sexist!)

11. What would you do if 9 confessed he/she liked
you: ** akala ko ba kay 2 na s’ya?

12. What language does 3 speak:
** english, filipino and i would think a smattering of japanese

13. Who is 9 going out with:
** i am not at liberty to say

14. What grade is 12 in:
** 4th yr

15. When did you last see 7:
** sa launch.  at gusto ko lang sabihing sad ako at you’re not answering my messages

16. What is 5’s favorite band:
** boys to men

17. Would you ever date 3:
** ask her.  i don’t think those count as dates

18. Is 1 hot: ** Yes!  YES!  YEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

19. Is 12 single: ** dunno

20. Would you ever want to be in a serious
relationship with 1:
** had hoped, but some things aren’t meant to be

21. Where does 8 go to school:
** up dili

22. What’s 4’s best physical feature:
** fair skin

23. Are number 7 & 8 best friends: ** i think the most i can say is baka nagkasabay na sila sa jeep.

24. Is 8 a girl or boy: ** girl!

25. Who is 5 in love with: ** she thinks the concept of love is bullshit

26. What is your last memory of 7:
** launch, liham

27. Have you ever hooked up with 4: ** nope

28. What is the funniest memory of 8:
** see her testi for me, and mine for her

29. What is your relationship with 6:
** pakner sa future paper

30. How old is 13:
** wala yatang 13 e…  wait, siguro she’s my age.

31. How close are you with 1:
** lost affinity, lost communication, lost friendship.  one of the many who fell to the void.

32. Would you sleep with 12:
** i think that’s illegal

33. What is your favorite memory with 3:
** sino nga ba ang three?  a…  let’s see.  a long time ago, she, me, sherwin and #2 swore to each other that nothing would come between our friendship.  sa sunken garden ‘to, malupit.  now look at us, and now i reveal to you what college taught me: love your friends before you lose them, because lose them you will

34. Who’s 11 best friends with:
**   ewan.

35. What’s your favorite thing about 2:
** his heart is in the right place

6/25/2006

KAPAPATAY ko lang ng TV. Wow, ang tagal na rin palang hindi ako nagsusulat dito. Ibig sabihin, mas matagal akong hindi nakakapagsulat sa blog (pwera sa surveys). Fight Club ‘yung palabas, sa 23. Gusto kong sanang panoorin, kaso ang pangit ng sounds. May kung anong ingay sa background, hindi ko maintindihan ang dialogue. I really should buy myself a VCD copy.

REALIZING my paranoia has no material basis. This because of a description of a mental patient named Aimee. I see myself in her. Imajinin mo ‘yun, naapektuhan pa rin pala ako ng mga librong aking binabasa. Sabi nga ni Kenny Rogers, "I wish I could hurt that way again." Gusto kong manood ng Superman Returns. Gustonggusto ko talaga ‘yung Fight Club, isa s’ya sa mga pelikulang hindi kayang sirain ng ibang tao para sa akin. Minsan ganun ako e, meron akong gusto, tas sisiraan ng ibang tao, tas ayaw ko na. Pero hindi Fight Club.

ANG galing talaga nitong version ko ng "Time After Time," dapat talaga alamin ko kung sino ang kumanta. Babaeng malalim ang boses. Ha, just found out something about myself. Something about writing. About typing actually. Kanina ko pa balak ibaba ang dalawang magazing kailangan kong itransfer ang nilalaman sa computer. (Dalawang artikulo ng Top 100 ever.) Nauubos na yata ang alaala cells ko. Hindi pa rin ayos ang blog kong pinapagawa, at sira na yatang talaga itong computer ko. Wasak ang Internet connection, that’s four sure. "You say go slow, I fall behind. The second hand unwinds." Sana matuloy ang plano namin ni Marikina # (hindi ko maalala kung pang-ilan si W, hehehe, I really should memorize my codes).

BOUGHT three books today. Saving nothing, really. I better drop dead soon, because if I grow any older I’m going to have to become responsible. Hay. Ayokong tumanda. Dapat college na lang ako habambuhay. Of course, I have more money now than before, so maybe I’m just bullshitting around. Ambagal kong magtype, ilang salita pa lang ito, tatlong kanta na ang lumilipas… Emptiness na naman ang drama ko this week, pero reading about Aimee sort of energized me. Problemang malupit, para na akong on drugs, just searching for the next high…

KANINA naempacho ako. Pa’no, after merienda nagdinner ako. Hehehe. At least in moderation na ang aking body-destruction. Hehehe. Pansin ko lang walang laman ang post na ito. Kasi, ang goal naman ay magsalita, hindi magcommunicate. What a lonely person I am, ‘no? Needing a computer in order to have someone (myself) to speak with. Pero in a sense ganun din naman talaga ang diary di ba? Talking with yourself using a machine (ano naman ang pinagkaiba ng computer sa papel at lapis). Parang pensive ni Dumbledore, o di kaya’y ‘yung journal ni Tom Riddle. Sayang next year pa ang susunod na Harry Potter book, excited na akong malaman ang ending. Feeling ko talaga mabait si Snape, ang kaso wala akong makitang makikipagpustahan sa akin.

JUST wish October would come already. Or do I really? We never like the present, don’t we? It’s always the old days were better, or: the future will be brighter. We hate where we are because this is where we are. "Then I started believing that I fell out of a tiny raindrop, that lost its way when it decided to roam." Ayon kay Siriban ako na lang ang may-ari ng Four Non-Blonds na tape sa buong Pilipinas. Dati, nakakita akong CD version ng Bigger, Better, More, sa AstroVision yata, kaso hindi ko binili kasi used. Sayang… alam ko namang di imortal ang teyp.

HINDI talaga dapat ito ang isinusulat ko. Sayang, maganda pa naman ang nagiging takbo ng kwento. Ewan ko, meron yatang built-in something ang mga tao sa kanilang puso, na gumagana kapag naroon na sila sa pagkakataon pwede na nilang abutin ang kanilang pangarap na bituin. Ang fankshon ng b-i something na ito’y iprevent ka from doing what you really want. That’s sad. That’s our tragedy. "And I feel what I feel."

OO nga pala, pag in quotes ibig sabihin lyrics ng song. I really should buy a CD soon, siguro dapat OPM. Tipong April Boys. Sa Bituing Walang Ningning pinapalabas na si Lavina ang kumanta ng "Sana ay Mahalin mo Ako," e ang alam ko si Sharon ang kumanta nun. Si Sharon nga ba? Sarap sa Disyembre, manonood ako ng Zsa Zsa Zathurna. Ang hirap kasi nito e, puro xerox, xerox na mabaho. Ayoko na sa Manila, gusto ko na sa Dama de Noche, pero alam ko namang imposible. It’s a sad sad life we lead, my friends, not being where we want to be. Pero that’s always the case naman di ba? We don’t want to be where we are because it is where we are. Sumpa yata ng Diyos ito, minana natin mula kina Eba at Adan. "You can have a change of heart if you would only change your mind." Shit, ambagal kong magtype, hindi ko masabayan ‘yung radyo.

SANA naman ok na ang Blast ngayong alas dose. Kasi, bad trip na talaga ako. God, I’m so dependent on technology. But who isn’t? Noong nasa LB ako, I used to wake up at 5 para magsulat. Kamay pare, kamay. Isa sa mga bunga ng experimentong ito ang "Hong Kong Habambuhay," na lumabas sa Kule folio, ang Kadiliman. Wala lang, gusto ko lang magplug. Hehehe.

TALAGANG degenerate na ako. O noon pa? I really should try to renew myself. Naks, tipong Britney Spears. Pero totoo, kailangan. Mahirap ‘tong trend na ito, malaise ba ang tawag? Basta, ‘yung dissatisfaction, it has to stop. Para kasing nothing feels good anymore, not even masturbation. (Whoops, sorry dear reader, didn’t mean to make you want to hurl.) Back to poser-existential musings. Saan kaya ako makakabili ng musika ng Meat Loaf. (That’s two words pare, better remember it kasi Meat gets mad when you misspell his name, and when you misspell misspell.) No Exit, wala talagang takas. Kagabi, or was it last last night, nanood ako ng Date Movie. Mababaw akong tao, alam mo ‘yon, at tawa ako nang tawa. Tas inon ko ‘yung commentary, at winasak nung dalawang critics. Tas hindi ko na tuloy gusto ‘yung movie. Ang sad ‘no, how I let myself be shaped by the words of others. Writing more than speech, pero for some reason pag deeply ingrained enough na I managed to block out the malicious words of others. Unfortuanately, ‘yung reasons ay few, at talagang continuous flux ang aking emotions. Pero kanino ba ang hindi? "You better believe it."

OO nga pala, I’m playing a game. ‘Yung nasa quote marks na lyrics, when you add up the titles of the songs they came from, meron kang mababasang message. Ikaw na bahala, dear reader, kung kanino sa tingin mo iyon nakaaddress. At dahil ako nga lang ang may kopya ng album nina Linda, sasabihin ko kung saan nagmula ‘yung linyang "Then I started…" "Drifting" po ang pamagat na ito, formative sa aking high school years. Hehehe. Sometimes, when I joke here, and then I forget about it, and I review my archives, hindi ko maaalalang imbento lang, and so naniniwala ako. Ang galing ‘no? Parang magic.

ALIS na ako. Gusto ko lang na may gawin. Meron pa kayang Fight Club? Hindi ko malalaman. Hindi ko bubuksang muli ang TV. Paalam, paalam. Katapusang tawag. O sige, h’wag muna. Let’s wait a few minutes more. Alam mo, I found out na kapag you use dialogue with an implied reader, it makes people project themselves more sa kung anong abstract bullshit na sinulat mo. Ang galing ‘no? Power of suggestion. Happy is the person who gets to sing out loud. That’s our lesson for the day, dear reader. Pleasant days and long nights to you. Cersei out.

PS Blast is sira, trying out this other one now. Fuck Blast, shit! Nakakazar! Hay… Pero pag sira itong isa, ibig sabihin compu na namin talaga ang may problema.

hehehe, bukas ay ipopost ko ang bahagi ng papel na binasa ng dakilang si jayson petras (ikatlong lebel sa ating lipunan) kasi nakalimutan kong dapat buksan muna ang word bago kumunekta sa internet.

pero tingnan natin, baka naman ipost ko pa rin ngayon.

i can’t believe the fucking information i just received.  i mean, that’s fucking funny.  para bang ako si longshot.  hehehe.  bukas pupunta ako ng sm north, andami kong kailangang bilhin.  buti na lang lumalabas sa tenga ang aking pera.  hehehe.

all right, narito ang bahagi ng aming papel.  to be formal:

ANG DANAS NG TAKOT SA NOLI ME TANGERE AT EL FILIBUSTERISMO

NINA JAYSON PETRAS AT U Z. ELISERIO

PAPEL NA BINASA SA KUMPERENSYANG RIZAL

BULWAGANG RIZAL

HUNYO 20, 2006

(SIPI LAMANG)

Sa diskusyon ng takot bilang instrumento sa pananakop, hindi namin nais mahulog sa bitag ng Platonistang naivite: na ang kabutiha’y karugtong ng katotohanan agad-agad. Hindi naman totoo na kapag napaliwanag sa isang tao na walang namang dapat katakutan sa kanyang kinakatakuta’y otomatikong hindi na s’ya matatakot. Tulad na lamang sa usapin ng pag-ibig, ang eksplenasyong rasyunal ay hindi nagsisilbing salamangka para magamot ang takot. Isipin na lamang ang mga tao sa inyong buhay na takot sa ipis, o sa aso.

Isa sa mga maaaring dahilan kung bakit hindi madaling tanggalin ang irasyunal na takot (takot na walang beysis) ay dahil mas nakakatakot ang katotohanan. Halimbawa, ang babaeng takot sa dilim ay mas ligtas ang pakiramdam sa pananatili n’yang takot sa dilim kaysa ang pagtuklas na kaya s’ya takot sa dilim ay dahil ginahasa s’ya sa kanyang kabataan. O tingnan na lamang natin ang kaso sa Metro Manila nitong mga nakaraang araw, ang serye ng pambobomba: di-umano’y ang grupong TABAK ang nasa likod nito, at tunay ngang nakakatakot na merong mga vigilante/teroristang nakakawala sa ating bayan. Ngunit hindi ba mas nakakatakot ang katotohanang naaaninag natin sa mga anino? Na hindi mga pribadong indibidwal na masasamang loob ang may gawa ng pambobomba kundi ang gobyerno mismo?

Mas maiintidihan natin ang mga nobela ni Rizal sa pagsusuma sa mga obserbasyon sa itaas sa pamamagitan ng anal/isis ng The Village ni M. Night Shyamalan. Sa pelikulang ito, isang maliit na bayan ang kinakailangang magpadala ng representatibo sa labas upang kumuha ng gamot. Ang kaso, napapaligiran ang kanilang "village" ng gubat, kung saan may nakatirang mga halimaw. Walang merong tapang harapin ang mga halimaw, at sa totoo lang ayaw ng sirkulo ng matatanda na magpadala ng representatibo, pwera ang isang binatilyo. Nang masaksak ang lalakeng ito ng kanyang wala-sa-isip na kababata, ang kanyang fiancee ang nagpumilit makalabas sa bayan. Kaya lamang pinayagan ang babaeng ito ng lider ng sirkulo ng matatanda ay dahil bulag s’ya. At bakit, kung puro nga halimaw sa nakapaligid na gubat, bakit nila ipinadala ang isang mahinang bulag? Sapagkat wala namang halimaw sa gubat, ang mga halimaw ay nasa lugar lampas sa gubat. Sa climax ng pelikula, matututunan nating ang panahon ng kwento, na buong akala ng lahat ay 1800s, ay ang kasalukuyang siglo. Kaya pala lumipat ang sirkulo ng matatanda sa gitna ng gubat (na sa totoo’y national reserve) at dito piniling palakihin ang kanilang mga anak at apo ay dahil biktima silang lahat ng dahas at korupsyon ng makamundong lipunang Amerikano. Kailangang bulag ang makatuloy sa labas ng bayan dahil hindi n’ya makikita ang mga tinangkang iwan ng sirkulo ng matatatanda: mga balita ng panggagahasa at pagpatay, tortsur, gera at terorismo. S’ya lamang ang ay hindi tatablan ng takot, takot sa halimaw ng katotohanan.

1. so.. how was ur day?
~ terrible, fought with kristina

2. ano current feeling mo as of now?
~ paranoid, upset

3. mejo slow ba ang brain cells mo ngayon?
~ oo, lagi naman e

4. sa tingin mo bakit?
~ i blame god

5. nakaakyat ka na ba ng bundok?
~ got lost too, lost in translation

6. saan2 mo winaldas ang pera mo ngayon araw
na toh?
~ ha!  di ako gumastos, pero bukas oo, bibili ako ng phil epics

7. eh teka…mahirap bang magpatawad?
~ madali lang, pero mahirap magtiwala ulit

8. pers taym u fell in luv?
~ i would have to say with kristina, 8 years ago

14. ahh…eh laking nido ka din ba??
~ di

21. last song na kinanta mo?
~ i don’t i sang anything today

22. anong mas masarap? matulog o managinip?
~ managinip

23. what do u prefer? hale, cueshe o mymp?
~ mymp, basura ‘yung unang dalawa

26. eh sinong mas trip mo c winnie o c blue??
> who?

27. me masakit ba seo ryt now?
~ sama lang ng loob, minsan lang humingi ng pabor, di pa pinagbigyan, o e di power trip struggle ang nangyari

28. lights on or off??
~ on

30. what is ur favorite song??
~ definitely not build me up buttercup anymore

31. kung may gb account ka anung rank mu na?
~ wgat?

33. eh nakulam na ba ikaw?
~ oo, kaya nga ganito fez ko

37. me gumaya ba seo?
~ parody, studs

38. err–..any plans para bukas??
~ hay naku, e di ang ipahiya ang sarili

40. anu collections mo?
= magic cards

well, i finished zizek’s tarrying with the negative and heidegger’s nietzsche: the will to power as art.  i think i understood three of zizek’s sentences, and heidegger’s discussion of plato’s republic was pretty good.

spoke with the hermit mid week.  woke me up to many things.  the hermit is wise, but the hermit is also naive.  plus, i don’t think the hermit understood a thing i said.  i need to have this tantrum, it’s the only way i can keep my pride.  of course, as john ree once said: "always remember, koku has no glory, but koku can’t buy you dinner."

i am having trouble with the prior of steinem.  only good news is i get to make up these really cool names.  the internet is my friend.  i think i may need to write poetry again.  wouldn’t that be cool?  i’m really having trouble right now, and if it weren’t for the "accomplishment" of reading my june books ahead of time i would be pretty down right now.

am i too paranoid?  i think i’m too trusting.  no, i’m paranoid.  i don’t think there’s a cure for this…  i really need to rethink my attitude towards the world.  have i brushed my teeth?  yeah, ‘no?  give me a year, ok?  just let me finish this story, i only need to type 200 more pages, and then i’ll shift gears ok?  i really will.

i really need but what the hell, needs don’t come to one, do they?  respect is earned, not given.  i guess that applies to more things than respect (english is terrible i know).

still.

i can’t think.  i can’t do anything.  i really need july to come quick.  and i really need your help.  help me obi-wan kenobi, you’re my only hope.

"Simple Together"

You’ve been my golden best friend
Now with post-demise at hand
Can’t go to you for consolation
Cause we’re off limits during this transition
This grief overwhelms me
It burns in my stomach
And i can’t stop bumping into things
I thought we’d be simple together
I thought we’d be happy together
Thought we’d be limitless together
I thought we’d be precious together
But i was sadly mistaken
You’ve been my soulmate and mentor
I remembered you the moment i met you
With you i knew god’s face was handsome
With you i suffered an expansion
This loss is numbing me
It pierces my chest
And i can’t stop dropping everything
I thought we’d be sexy together
Thought we’d be evolving together
I thought we’d have children together
I thought we’d be family together
But i was sadly mistaken
If i had a bill for all the philosophies i shared
If i had a penny for all the possibilities i presented
If i had a dime for every hand thrown up in the air
My wealth would render this no less severe
I thought we’d be genius together
I thought we’d be healing together
I thought we’d be growing together
Thought we’d be adventurous togheter
But i was sadly mistaken
Thought we’d be exploring together
Thought we’d be inspired together
I thought we’d be flying together
Thought we’d be on fire together
But i was sadly mistaken

Dear Amy,

Additional, real post below.  I just wanted to react to your letter here before I answer it formally sa inbox.  Kasi, ‘yung Ishamel ay Betrayer of Hope, ‘yung Samael ay Destroyer of Hope.  Now, without the "of hope" part, I would agree with you.  Kaso narun, so to Betray hope, to me, sounds worse than destroying it.

Wala lang, nagpapacute lang.  Ang sexy ng name na Cersei di ba?  It’s fun being a girl.

6/16/2006

MIXED mixed, this week in the making. On one hand, the village report I have delivered, and my partner oked it. He’s doing most of the work, so I was really hoping for his nod. And he gave it! Hahaha. That’s one thing done, and still three in the air. Actually, six. Still one undone, tsaka isa pa pala… But that’s about it. Actually, if the second three of the six get done, I’ll die happy. Of course, snot gonna happen just because I wish it. I’m hoping that this 1/2 will get done, but that seems malabo. I dunno. Still, I keep the faith. It’s the only thing that I can keep.

THE bad news is: I failed the Jedi test. Miserably. I keep telling myself, no, it’s just: the Dionysian waves moving me alone. But hey, you are what you do, and that’s really not nice, doing that. So I consider that a failed Jedi test. I hope I pass the next one. Still, the Dionysian waves theory has something going for it, but God, the physical pain I feel right now, not funny. Still, the Dionysian waves theory, it has something going for it. It explains a hell of a lot, two murders! Two! Would you believe? Still, pain will teach me fear, fear will teach me caution, caution will teach me patience, and patience is a virtue. I might just get to do this kill properly yet.

YOU ask why I’m so optimistic? I’ll tell you why: I wrote today! As in, I wrote four. That’s 111 done, almost half gone now… I didn’t write anything but the punk piece last summer, and while it was satisfying it wasn’t part of the Kariton Cycle. This one is. If I keep this up, I might actually get 2/14 done! I’m so happy. I mean, I know when I wake up tomorrow down na naman ako because of the failed Jedi test nga, but for the while I’m celebrating.

ANOTHER happy thing is buying, finally, a copy of Manix Abrera’s Kiko Machine. Really really funny, I was laughing out loud kanina lang. I like the punk character best.

GOD I hope I have Saturday and Sunday off. I wanna finish Zizek and Heidegger na, kahit na Martes pa ang nakaskejul na pagtatapos ko sa kanila. After them, I can tackle Hardt until July comes (back to Heidegger). My plan is to finish Christie, Bradbury and Haunted by the end of June (or early July at the most). A nice mix of fiction and theory.

BAD news: sucky printer. Plus, anxiety about this story I wrote, and this other one too (although less dito sa latter). My June program isn’t going well, but I hope to stabilize by July. Stabilize, word of the week. Sometimes, it’s only my arrogance that keeps me going. I really think I should abandon the School of Resentment and go for Buddhism, but as the critique of Pascal’s wager goes: you can’t just believe in something because it’s rational. It’s a matter of spirit, and no matter how fake I feel at the School, I know I’ll feel even more fake letting beings be, choiceless awareness and all that. More bad news: my English is decaying more each day. (That’s what you get for reading a wretched German in translation.) Many things undone. Still, I have time. And energy. That’s the one thing I really need. Need to smile more, walk more, eat more. (Scratch the last one.)

ALIVE alive I am alive. I really should attend to my physical pains right now, and review for my next Jedi test… But I’m really have with the four. And maybe I can force myself to believe the Dionysian waves theory. That excuses a lot of muscle, but it’ll allow me to reweave this fucking narrative. If I do that, and not mess up the animal project, and finish 2/14 of the Kariton Cycle, I might just live long enuf for the hyperjump to Dama de Noche.

AND you’re thinking, what the fuck is he talking about? But I tell you my friend: we will them with lies. We will kill them with the truth. We will kill them. I just need this "thing" presented. I’m pretty sure that audience will like it. Then: kill! Kill! Kill! Ashman, kill!

(c) 2006 - This post is dedicated to Efren, a stalwart friend I lost to the void. I miss you brother. I miss you all. (Well, maybe not that asswipe nerd. The one with glasses, what’s his name again?