bad dream.  "immoral" content.  when i woke up, i said: no, same names is all.  then lunch, a remark.  ah, danger.  danger to blood.  are you in danger?  we have an army there.  we are blood.

She is all there.
She was melted carefully down for you
and cast up from your childhood,
cast up from your one hundred favorite aggies.

She has always been there, my darling.
She is, in fact, exquisite.
Fireworks in the dull middle of February
and as real as a cast-iron pot.

Let’s face it, I have been momentary.
vA luxury. A bright red sloop in the harbor.
My hair rising like smoke from the car window.
Littleneck clams out of season.

She is more than that. She is your have to have,
has grown you your practical your tropical growth.
This is not an experiment. She is all harmony.
She sees to oars and oarlocks for the dinghy,

has placed wild flowers at the window at breakfast,
sat by the potter’s wheel at midday,
set forth three children under the moon,
three cherubs drawn by Michelangelo,

done this with her legs spread out
in the terrible months in the chapel.
If you glance up, the children are there
like delicate balloons resting on the ceiling.

She has also carried each one down the hall
after supper, their heads privately bent,
two legs protesting, person to person,
her face flushed with a song and their little sleep.

I give you back your heart.
I give you permission —

for the fuse inside her, throbbing
angrily in the dirt, for the bitch in her
and the burying of her wound —
for the burying of her small red wound alive —

for the pale flickering flare under her ribs,
for the drunken sailor who waits in her left pulse,
for the mother’s knee, for the stocking,
for the garter belt, for the call —

the curious call
when you will burrow in arms and breasts
and tug at the orange ribbon in her hair
and answer the call, the curious call.

She is so naked and singular
She is the sum of yourself and your dream.
Climb her like a monument, step after step.
She is solid.

As for me, I am a watercolor.
I wash off.

(o, sinong nagsulat?)

"If I couldn’t derive my strength from myself, if I had to depend on the outside world for encouragement, comfort, and good cheer, where would I be? What would I be! There really were moments and even whole periods in my life (e.g., the year 1878) when a word of encouragement , a friendly squeeze of the hand would have been the ideal medicine–and precisely then I was left in the lurch by all those I’d supposed I could rely on, and who could have done me such kindness."

Friedrich Nietzsche, to Peter Gast

THEY really are going to kill me. The attackers, not the defender, methinks, although they are dangerous too. How ironic, I had thought I was one of the attackers. Ah, assumption truly is the mother of all fuck ups. Enemies to the left, enemies to the right. What’s a girl to do? Strike at the middle. Strike with what? We don’t have… wait… If I can make a peace. But who would make a peace with me? Goddam fuck it all, I’m not ready to jump into hyper space. I need at least five fucking years more. Three years at the least. Ah! Like my grandfather always said: "Martin Heidegger never had to put up with this kind of shit." At least the punk project’s going good. Plus, I’ve watched The Da Vinci Code and I liked it (gonna buy a VCD when it comes out, also V for Vendetta). Can’t see what’s the big deal, I mean, who DOESN’T believe Jesus was human and had children?

ALSO good is the fact that I’ve read A Clash of Kings and A Storm of Swords. So far my favorite is A Storm of Swords. Robb dead, Tyrion killing his father, Arya finally saying "All men die," Littlefinger killing Lady Arynn… Lady Catelyn dead, add that. So many climatic climaxes! I’m thinking I shouldn’t read A Feast for Crows until I have a copy of A Dance with Dragons though. Of course, the damn thing hasn’t been published yet…

ALSO good is the fact that I’ve read Dissension. Although: it wasn’t worth the wait. My favorite of the trilogy is still Guildpact because, like Ravnica, Dissension involves supergods that die at the hands of supermen. Guildpact, in contrast, involved men (and women) fighting other men (and women) and losing and winning. Still, all three books were exciting, and were all quick reads. What I like about the trilogy is I can read each while the television is bleating (something I dare not do with Martin’s novels). I really should study to write pop fantasy. What I like about these pop novels is that I don’t have to understand them. I can blurread sentences and sentences (and sometimes paragraphs) and not feel guilty.

UNLIKE with the Nietzsche secondary sources. My god, I’ve found myself rereading entire pages out of a stupid sense of intellectual honesty. On this poser note, I’d like to announce that I finally finished reading The New Nietzsche, edited by David Allison. I would also like to declare that Jean Granier and Michael Haar write well (Alphonso Lingis and Sarah Kofman write ok) and that Pierre Klossowski and Jacques Derrida write… er, unwell. That’s my May Nietzsche book, and was also my last French Nietzsche. June upto October I’m doing Heidegger, and after the Great One I’m all Anglo-American Nietzsche studies. I can’t believe I’m reading five Heidegger books (three actually, but five volumes) for my Nietzsche studies, but what can I do? He is the Great One. Still, I look forward to November, because many of those American guys they’re doing Nietzsche’s politics, and as you well know, my dear reader, I have woefully inadequate knowledge about politics. (Oh shit, I forgot Paul de Man…)

THE plan was I’m going to spend the rest of May finishing the punk project, then read read read for the last week of my vacation, because I’m gonna start "working" come June 5. I was going to print my goddam book list, tabled into "books I like," "books I’ve read," "books I gotta read," etc, but the fucking printer is fucking with me again. The econo output is unreadable, the normal output barely. I think I hafta to buy a fucking new printer, but I spent all my money on books and cards! Reminds me, shit, that money I thought was going to pull me through "salaryless June" isn’t coming through. So, right, fucks to be me, right? Fucks to be me! Get it? Remember, you read it here first. And no plagiarism please.

REREAD a bit of Carlos Aureus (wrong spelling) last night, and a point of his actually made sense. Listening to Bach over and over again DOESN’T become tedious. Holy shit, have I found the fountain of youth/holy grail/lightsaber of the first Jedi? The thing is, I really got to get into a fucking school in Switzerland and study … ah, but dreams dreams idle dreams, right? I know my place, I should… No, actually, I don’t know my place. Or rather, the place I’m at is a fucked up place, and… well, you know the drill: enemies to the left, enemies to the right. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, I didn’t want it to be this way, and I know there’s a .0001 chance I might pull out a win, if someone (God, to be precise), sends me a fucking Champion. Fat chance of that happening though, so I row in the fucking middle of the sea in a fucking storm and keep praying. I don’t know exactly what I’m praying for, nothing specific I mean, but I do know that I want to get out of this fucking mess I’m in. I mean, I thought these people were my fr–well, not my friends. But my allies at least. And I guess some of them are. But some of them… A few… They scare me. They scare me. And I don’t even know who they are.

HEALTH: rot gone. Both rots. That’s a good sign. Now if I can just maintain it, and not exacerbate the minirots that are left… Then, well, maybe I’ll stop thinking of death every five minutes. Writing’s the worst hit though. I didn’t write a single line this summer. Oh well, Noel. Amor fati and all that. Still, this new program I’ve come up with, looks good. Two projects, three birds with two stones. Not too bad. Primary problem still is lack of money. Bad dream, yesterday’s yesterday. That beak of a nose, and those rotting teeth, and that laugh. Always that laugh. My chest… sakit. And now this ghost behind me. I really should scream for help, but I don’t want to look like an idiot. Maybe it’ll just go away. Maybe.

OVERALL my life is a mess. My armjoints hurt, and now that it’s raining how am I supposed to… Que sera sera. Jai guru deva ohm. And all that jazz. Whatever. I hate being stalled. That’s what I am right now. Stalled. Not tall, how I wish, stalled. My "real world" studies depends on a few shady people some of whom I know hate me. My writings… well, shit. ABSOLUTELY NO PROSPECTS. I wish I could forge some new alliances and bring back a few friends. Tears tears idle tears. I guess I’m alone, huh Fritz? Just like you. Well, actually worse off than you. At least you had Koselitz. And Overbeck. You had people watching your back. Me? I get my confidence from MAD. That’s what keeps me going these days, the source of the few scraps of bravery I’m able to muster (mixed metaphor). MAD. You know what that means Fritz? You know what that means, Lehrer? I do. Not all my hours on the Internet’s a waste you know. I know what MAD means. And I wish, dear reader, that you knew too. And if you know, well, then you know how badly I need your help. I don’t want to end up like those guys in Dr. Strangelove, but it seems to be the only option left me. The Siths can’t protect me from this. I created them for another purpose, and while they’re doing their job well, well… enemies to the left, enemies to the right. What’s a girl to do?

STRIKE at the center.

so hear ye hear ye all ye presents

it’s a mad world, so i’m gonna go mad myself.  dr. strangelove and all that.

mad mad mad

do you even know what that means?

if you know what that means then you know the answer to my question.

strike at the middle.

Go to your page and list the last fifteen people who gave you a testimonial. If someone has commented twice, skip to the next new commenter.

1. marvie

2. consul

3. leslie

4. anna jean

5. rose

6. reyes

7. eusebio

8. lariosa

9. capulong

10. vidal

11. ishiebaby

12. delgado

13. virrey

14. mel

15. ang (donabel)

Have you ever kissed 4? - si kim? oo, noong nasa vietnam kami

What’s the best memory you have of 10? - a… si vidal? nung gawan n’ya ako ng testi?

Why are you friends with 9? - former stud

When’s the next time you’re gonna see 6? - pag naalala n’yang me pangako s’ya sa ‘king arrovo

Tell something juicy about number 15: - s’ya ang unang ang na estudyante ko (sumunod ang magkapatid na unica at monica)

What do you like about 8? - mahusay sa class discussion

What was your first impression of 7? - ikamamatay ko (hehehe, remember amy?)

How did you meet 3? - classmate ko sa ap199, isang araw bigla na lang akong kinausap sa corridor

Do you think 13 could kill someone? - oo, varsity ‘yan e

Is 11 your best friend? - to be honest, i don’t even know who s/he is. s/he calls me sir though

Have you seen 12 naked? - no. i would think she’d probably kill me if i did

Would you ever kiss 5? - a hindi. friend ng pinsan ko ‘yan e.

Do you think 2 has a crush on you? - malamang hindi, born again ‘yan e. peace man!

Who do you spend the most time with? - isolationist period ako e, so wala

What is the last thing you did for 1? - told her: "marxism and literary criticism"

Have you ever been to 3’s house? - nope, but i could if i need to. i’m rather good at finding houses.

How do you know 4? - highschoolmate, collge friend

Have you ever slept with 5? - nope, that would be illegal Do you think 6 is sexy? - uhuh

Where is the last place you went with # 8? - she went to my room to buy my book, isang bagay na may mga tao d’yan na di pa rin ginagawa ehem ehem ehem

Are you really close to 9? - bakit puro 9? alam ko nasagot ko na ‘to ng former stud

What kind of relationship do you have with 10? - a… umiikot ‘yung tanong. si vidal ay former stud din, at friendster sa dalawang account. isa s’ya sa mga target ng ehem ehem ehem sa #8

Have you ever kissed 11? - dude, i don’t know who s/he is

Have you ever been to the movies with 12? - nope

Have you ever gotten in trouble with 13? - nope

Have u ever made a move with 14? - if i ever even think about that, about oh i don’t know seventeen people will vow to kill me, and i wouldn’t blame them

What do you and 15 talk abt? - panitikan

5/22/2006

HERE I am, mission accomplished. Well, one mission anyway. Just one more, and then I can write some "creative" shit. Wait, I have two more things to do pala… Oh well, Noel. I’m doing them, am I not? No one can fault me for not doing. I’m just doing them slowly, is all.

"HONESTLY," not "Honesty" mind, is playing on my media player. Sino nga ba ang kumanta nito? Si Harem Skarem. S’ya rin ang kumanta ng "Something to Say." Ito ang linya mula sa kanta:

If you ever have something that you wanted to say

You better start talking before I go away

HA! I think the only person who knows this song (besides me) is my sister. Ah… I’m living in the past. Sabi ni Krishnamurti masama ‘yon. Hmm… Sabi ni Krishnamurti takot tayo sa meron, kaya nabubuhay tayo sa mundo ng imahen. Pagkatapos, pag di kumukumporme ang meron sa imahen, nagagalit tayo. Halimbawa, meron kang kaibigan. Gusto mo, steybol ang kanyang pagkatao, kasi that makes you feel safe. Tas, pag "nagbago" ang kaibigan mo (i.e., hindi s’ya tumutugma sa imahen mo sa kanya), nagagalit ka sa kanya. "You used to be _____," ang banat nating lagi.

REALLY scary time for me now. Only one friend left standing, and though I’ve managed to forge new alliances, some of those I thought I’ve solidified I now see crumbling. Still… my health is getting better. Wounds are… healing. Slowly, slowly, but they are healing. Tomorrow I’m going to abuse my eyes by watching all six episodes of Star Wars. That ought to be fun. Pero pag tinamad ako Matrix na lang. Tuesday I finish my "punk" project, and after I finish that I start with… I don’t really know what’ll follow punk, but anyway the endline’s far off.

THAT’S writing. As for reading, currently I’m book three deep in George R. R. Martin’s A Song of Fire and Ice series. One third through, I think I can finish it (and book 4) by the end of May. (If I don’t, well, classes don’t start until June 13). Also making good time on The New Nietzsche, I should be finishing it by May 26. I’ve read some of the essays before (probably last year), but I didn’t use my pencil then, so I have to reread them. My last sentence doesn’t really make much sense. After finishing with the French (men, si Sarah Kofman lang ang babae sa koleskyon) I’ll probably tackle Eagleton’s The Function of Criticism or, if I’m feeling adventorous, Zizek’s Tarrying with the Negative. Ang hirap naman kasing intindihin si Zizek pag naglaLacan s’ya. I mean, what the fuck does $ mean? Ang hula ko’y subject na crossed out (like Heidegger’s being), pero meron S na double barred. Ano ‘yun? So maybe I’ll try to find a Lacan dictionary or something. Merong glossary sa likod ng The Newly Born Woman ko, pero di naman ganung kalaking tulong (halimbawa ng depinisyon: "The Real is the most obvious, which makes it the hardest to describe…")

PROBLEMS persist, so much so that the Sun is haunting my dreams, him and his girlfriend, both with accusing eyes. It’s like, hey, you don’t belong here. You fake! Am I a fake? No, don’t answer, I already know. Still, lots of oppurtunities… I’ve already declared this year the Year of the Last Story and Play, and I’m already doing my best to get my works in the two genres published, so I can concentrate on philosophy and poetry (what?) and writing my novels 2007 up. Problems persist. This fucking war, which I just recently found out was righteous and right, is going to drag me to hell. They, the attackers let’s call them, don’t seem to realize that I’m weaker than them, the defenders… I’m with the attackers, yes, but they should understand that I can’t be so… brave.

BON Jovi na ang tumutugtog sa aking computer. At: friendster ko na si Marikina… pang-ilang Marikina ba s’ya? Hmm… Sige, para klaro, bigyan nating muli ng numero ang mga tagaMarikina. Si K na ngayon ang Marikina1, si Rn (ang bagong friendster ko) ang Marikina2. Si Ju ang Marikina3, si A ang Marikina4. Si W ang Marikina5, si Rc ang Marikina6. Si Jo ang Marikina7, si T ang Marikina8. Si Ja syempre ang Marikina9. Meron pang ibang Marikina, pero sila ang pumapasok sa utak ko ngayon.

ALL this talk about Marikina brings to my mind’s foreground the Plan of May 8, aka the Ianne Project. I’ve told five people about it, and they all said I was full of bullshit (well, mas polite naman ang kanilang mga salita). But really, what choice do I have? If the Ianne Project doesn’t come through (and it, unlike my other fool plans this one has a deadline) the only other option I have in life is suicide. Suicide in two years. Bad plan. I really wanted to kill myself when I hit 50, but hell, I’m getting bored. And annoyed. The Plan of May 8 fixes these problems, gives me 25 more years to live… The Plan of May 8! Who but I can think of this sexy names, eh? Who am talking to?

ANG alam ko, si Amy ang tangi kong regular na mambabasa, tsaka si Chuck. I think Dennis has been here once, but I’m not so sure. The rest… Ewan. These days I’m not so sure about anything. Kanina, nagbasa ako nang konting Trotsky, well, ayun, lalo lang akong nalito. Astig talaga ‘tong version ko ng "Time After Time." Sino kaya ang kumanta, ang ganda ng boses. Babaeng mababa ang boses. Hehehe. "Suitcase of memories…" Wups, h’wag munang kumanta, hindi ka makapagsulat. Kahit pala LSP ang taong ito, ang hirap pa rin. I remember when "Toilet Reading" got published. I was happy, but not that happy. I think I was happier when "The Proper Use of Elbows" went out. Still, back in 2002/2003 I had hope. Now? Ngayon 2006 na, at wala pa rin akong pinatutunguhan. Naiinggit ako kay Caty, kasi bata pa s’ya. Meron pang ilusyon (na Real) na malawak ang mundo at maraming opurtunidad at merong pag-asa at maraming bagay na maganda. What? I really shout edit some parts of this thing before posting it. More importantly, I should print my journal and delete it sa computer. Mainam ang may hardcopy kaysa soft. Sexist!

"ONE of Us" ni Joan Osborne. Kelangan ko na talagang bumili ng kopya ng Vanilla Sky, tsaka ng ilan pang piling pelikula. Nasaan na nga ba ‘yung listahan ko? Very happy with Farenheit 9/11, see thought-provoking discussions juxtaposing it with V for Vendetta. Nakakahiya nga lang at ilang taon nang laos ang pelikula bago ako nakaacquire ng kopya. Pero jusme, wala talaga s’ya sa Astro Vision. Ay, oo nga pala, for anyone interested, nakakuha ako ng Selections from the Prison Notebooks of Antonio Gramsci sa Popular. Meron pang isang kopya, 945 lang, pickupin n’yo na.

REALLY happy with this purchase. Malamang sa malamang hindi ko naman babasahin ‘yung libro. Pero, tulad din ng kopya ko ng tatlong tomo ng Kapital, hindi ko naman binili ‘yung libro para basahin. Gusto ko lang na meron akong kopya, sort of like that guy in the Satanic Verses. Nakakita rin nga pala ako ng kopya ng Salamanca, ang nipis pala (not that I’m saying that nipis = bad, after all, The Outsider, On the Genealogy of Morals and The Communist Manifesto are all manipis), akala ko makapal kasi sa Internet ko lang nakikita ‘yung cover. Sa Cubao last last week nakakita ako nung pula ang cover na nobela, kasabay ng Salamanca nanalo sa Palanca (English at Filipino). Dapat bibili ako, kaso inisip ko bakit nasa graphic novel section, baka naman graphic novel ‘to? Afterwards narealize ko gago talaga ako. Hehehe.

"PATIENCE" ng Guns and Roses ang tumutugtog. Dapat talaga bumili na ako ng kopya nung rerelease ng Use Your Illusion, kaso kasi 900. Books before music is what I say. Anyways, paborito kong kanta ng GnR ang "November Rain." Tsaka "Civil War," tsaka "Sweet Child of Mine," tsaka… Tama na nga. Laos na ang Guns and Roses. Stop living in the past, U, it does terrible things to your hair.

Put your music player on shuffle. Press forward for each question. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if they don’t make sense. You’ll be surprised though.. NO CHEATING!

How are you feeling today? yano - kumusta na. now that’s kismet.

Will you get far in life? simon and garfunkel - homeward bound. well, medyo mistikal ang pagtutugma

How do your friends see you? mymp - beauty and madness. i agree with the BEAUTY part

Will you get married? vondo shepard - i only want to be with you. go go vonda!

What is your best friend’s theme song? mymp - love moves. right. haha

What is the story of your life? tlc - unpretty. UNPRETTY!

What was high school like? eraserheads - alapaap. mali. it sucked sour as

How can you get ahead in life? stephen bishop - separate lives. you have to be thinking, waht teh fcku is IN his player?

What is the best thing about your friends? PnE - silvertoes. hey… my friends aren’t like in the song

What is today going to be like? weird al - that’s your horoscope for today

What is in store for this weekend? aegis - bayan ko. AEGIS PARE AEGIS

What song Describes you? barry manilow - mandy.

To describe your grandparents? green, green grass of home

How is your life going? carol banawa - tanging yaman

What song will they play at your funeral? hotdogs - bongga ka day

How does the world see you? kansan (technically) - dust in the wind

What do your friends really think of you? yano - travel times

Do people secretly lust after you? neruda - morning. i know it’s not a song but you told me to press the player on

How can I make myself happy? rivermay - kisapmata

What should you do with your life? matchbox 20 - if you’re gone

Will you ever have children? don’t cry joni

i am the hobbit daw kasi i am annoying.

but let me tell you something about being annoying.

there.

hehehe

BOOK ARE YOU test.</a>
<br><a href="http://mewing.net">
and go to mewing.net. not as good as reading a good book, but way better than a bad one.</a>
</center>

5/2/2006

THIS is certainly good news.

YES.

PROOF positive that physics, chemistry and biology (not to mention geology), which is to say science, works!

INDEED.

NOW, what do we do?

WE find Darth Vader.

WE create Darth Vader.

THAT’S what I said.

IS it possible?

HOW can you doubt in face of this proof?

WELL… alright.

PROBLEMS remain though. Our rotting is accelerating, and the Kariton Cycle, thanks one-two-three-how-many-really betrayals going around us, is ever on the brink of going uncompleted. Also, we expect a financial crisis this June. And let’s see… there is still the fact that we still feel emotions.

RATHER big problem, that.

YES. But wait, there’s more. Just one more: our inauthenticity, which is bound up with our still-feeling-emotions problem.

HOW do you propose we go about this?

PICKED up this idea of Karmic credit, I don’t know where yesterday. Basically, in addition to Darth and the Cycle, we need to launch a third big project, that is, actually bring about Satulapilipinas-LaDiNa-SaLaF into existence.

THAT’S not going to be easy.

YOU have to admit though, that it’s a perfect fit. Founding SaLaF cures our nausea, makes use of our "talents," is intertwined with our metatheoretical interests/concerns and forwards our war.

WAR. War again? I thought we had thrown off war. It’s against letting beings be.

THEREIN lies our problem. To let beings be, we can’t found SaLaF. Without founding SaLaF, we can’t pay our Karmic debt. Plus, you have to admit, we are having a hard time letting beings be, and may I not suggest that this is because it is irresponsible and hypocritical? We have seen the power of science, are we not obligded to share this power?

HUBRIS.

THERE are no gods to strike us down. At this point in our lives, we are the gods.

WELL, I won’t go that far. Still… And what about _____?

PURPOSE has been served, we no longer need _____. Maybe as a poster, but certainly the more important task is preaching science to one and all. Yes, science works.

SCIENCE works. Thank the gods, ah, thank the gods. We needed this.

SCIENCE works. Now–back to work!